20 Things to Shout at John Schneider

Last weekend, I had the privilege to bask in the Kentness of TV star John Schneider (Bo Duke from the "Dukes of Hazzard" for you adults, Jonathan Kent from "Smallville" for the younguns). It was a great experience; the guy was really nice (he stood up the whole time as he greeted ALL of those fans). And he was also impressively tall (I'm 5'1", so just look at the height difference and be amazed).

The best part of it all was on the way back home after meeting him, my friends and I devised a list of things to say to him should a member of the general public ever have a run in with Pa Kent. (You'd probably be too excited to think of anything yourself). Shouting would be understood, nay, expected and demanded - you're own amazement overulling your inhibitions to stay calm and collected. So here you are, general public:

Things to Shout at John Schneider, Should You Run into Him:

(in a loud monotone, masculine shouting voice)

1. YOU ROCK!!!

2. YOU'RE VERY TALL!!!

3. YOU'RE SURPRISINGLY WELL BUILT FOR YOUR AGE!!!

4. BY THAT, I MEAN YOU'VE AGED VERY WELL!!!

5. YOU HAVE EXCELLENT HAIR!!!

6. YOU SCARE ME!!!

7. LET ME BASK IN YOUR KENTNESS!!!

8. CAN I TOUCH YOUR PECTORALS?!?!?

9. YOU HAVE VERY NICE TEETH!!!

10. I LIKE THE BONE STRUCTURE OF YOUR JAWLINE!!!

11. I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE JUST TO BE THAT MAN THAT WALKED 1,000 MILES TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR!!!!!!*

12. YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AS A PERSON!!!

13. I WANT TO MAKE CROP CIRCLES SOMEHOW DEPICTING YOUR EVERYMAN DEMEANOR!!!

14. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT SCARES ME!!!!

15. I WANT TO RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HIGHLIGHTS!!!

16. I WOULD WILLINGLY GIVE YOU BOTH OF MY TWIX BARS!!!

17. I WANT TO SPEND A WEEKEND AT DISNEYLAND WITH YOU!!!

18. I WANT TO SHARE A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI SIMILIAR TO THAT ANIMATED MOVIE LADY AND THE TRAMP!!!

19. YOU MAKE ME WISH I KNEW OPRAH SO I COULD TELL HER ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE!!!

20. STANDING THIS CLOSE TO YOU MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE!!!

*In addition to that great song by the Proclaimers, you could also shout monotonely the chorus of many 80s songs, like this: "OH, I, I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT!!! IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING YOU SAID!!!

These are just a few pointers to get the conversation started. For Mr. Schneider's sake, make sure there are at least 15 cubic yards between you and him (and preferably a fence of some sort) when shouting them, of course.

Why Boston PD needs a Jack Bauer

This is probably the funniest thing that I've ever seen happen on TV having to do with TV.

2007 Boston Magnetic Light Bomb Scare - Wikipedia

The long and short of it is that Cartoon Network commissioned several people in 10 cities to put up LED lights of two characters, The Mooninites, from the Adult Swim cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

The funny part: people from Boston who saw the signs started calling the police department with concerns that they were bombs. And thus thousands of taxpayers dollars went to investigating the "bomb scare."

Here are the actual Mooninites, Ignignokt and Err:

And these are the "bombs" about them.

The two men responsible for putting up the signs in Boston have been arrested and according to Boston PD, they will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Cartoon Network apologized for what is called "guerilla marketing" and told the police department the locations of all the signs. Now keep in mind, these signs were in 10 CITIES, the 9 others including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Now that's NINE CITIES that didn't have ANY reported problems.

This bomb scare, once it got out, was reported on all the major news networks, one of them being CNN. Which is kind of funny, since CNN and Cartoon Network are both owned by Turner Broadcasting and you would think that someone watching CNN who worked for Cartoon Network could let somebody know what was going on.

Clever Boston residents pissed off by the idiocracy of their police department and of their mayor (or maybe just wanting to stand out a little and raise hell) showed up at the police station and at the news conference holding signs that said "1/31/07 - Never Forget."

But I think one blogger said it best:

"It's sad that more than five years after 9/11, police still can't tell the difference between a bomb and a cartoon character."