20 Things to Shout at John Schneider

Last weekend, I had the privilege to bask in the Kentness of TV star John Schneider (Bo Duke from the "Dukes of Hazzard" for you adults, Jonathan Kent from "Smallville" for the younguns). It was a great experience; the guy was really nice (he stood up the whole time as he greeted ALL of those fans). And he was also impressively tall (I'm 5'1", so just look at the height difference and be amazed).

The best part of it all was on the way back home after meeting him, my friends and I devised a list of things to say to him should a member of the general public ever have a run in with Pa Kent. (You'd probably be too excited to think of anything yourself). Shouting would be understood, nay, expected and demanded - you're own amazement overulling your inhibitions to stay calm and collected. So here you are, general public:

Things to Shout at John Schneider, Should You Run into Him:

(in a loud monotone, masculine shouting voice)

1. YOU ROCK!!!

2. YOU'RE VERY TALL!!!

3. YOU'RE SURPRISINGLY WELL BUILT FOR YOUR AGE!!!

4. BY THAT, I MEAN YOU'VE AGED VERY WELL!!!

5. YOU HAVE EXCELLENT HAIR!!!

6. YOU SCARE ME!!!

7. LET ME BASK IN YOUR KENTNESS!!!

8. CAN I TOUCH YOUR PECTORALS?!?!?

9. YOU HAVE VERY NICE TEETH!!!

10. I LIKE THE BONE STRUCTURE OF YOUR JAWLINE!!!

11. I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE JUST TO BE THAT MAN THAT WALKED 1,000 MILES TO FALL DOWN AT YOUR DOOR!!!!!!*

12. YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AS A PERSON!!!

13. I WANT TO MAKE CROP CIRCLES SOMEHOW DEPICTING YOUR EVERYMAN DEMEANOR!!!

14. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT SCARES ME!!!!

15. I WANT TO RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HIGHLIGHTS!!!

16. I WOULD WILLINGLY GIVE YOU BOTH OF MY TWIX BARS!!!

17. I WANT TO SPEND A WEEKEND AT DISNEYLAND WITH YOU!!!

18. I WANT TO SHARE A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI SIMILIAR TO THAT ANIMATED MOVIE LADY AND THE TRAMP!!!

19. YOU MAKE ME WISH I KNEW OPRAH SO I COULD TELL HER ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE!!!

20. STANDING THIS CLOSE TO YOU MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE!!!

*In addition to that great song by the Proclaimers, you could also shout monotonely the chorus of many 80s songs, like this: "OH, I, I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT!!! IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING YOU SAID!!!

These are just a few pointers to get the conversation started. For Mr. Schneider's sake, make sure there are at least 15 cubic yards between you and him (and preferably a fence of some sort) when shouting them, of course.